Dear Mary: My boss is a lazy spoofer and I’m constantly gaslit and lied to at work — should I leave?

My immediate boss is rarely at work. He is the laziest spoofer I ever came across. The spoofing took on new levels in a recent case where they claimed, in order to justify an extortionate salary to a buddy, that a glorified administrative job was in fact a senior post. That was a total lie.

The management in the organisation where I work are professional gaslighters. Over the years I have heard every lie imaginable: “We are thriving” — no, we needed a bailout (twice); “Our numbers are up” — no, they were in a downward spiral and flatlining; “Our strategies were welcomed in the sector” — no, they were sector pariahs. I saw mistresses, family and cronies facilitated with makey-uppy jobs.

I was verbally attacked at a meeting and asked if I was calling our HR manager — a grandmaster in dishonesty — a liar when I quizzed him about a particular matter. I replied that I never called him a liar only that I found him very difficult to trust.

Mary, I really enjoy my work, as in the day-to-day stuff of what I do. But I can’t stand the sight of the majority of the people who are at the “upper echelons”. I have to contend with them and act as if I find them lovely and stimulating company. I have worked in other places where I really admired the people at the top because of their intelligence and commitment — this lot are a shower of Joe-average chancers with nothing remarkable going on for them.

I am independently wealthy so it’s not about money. But working in an environment where bulls**t is celebrated is beginning to get on my last nerve. A good friend chucked her job which she loved, when her family came into a lot of money, and I am seeing how relaxed and happy she is.

Should I just leave? I would love to have an appropriate sentence in my pocket to use when I am being spun a lot of horse manure. In recent months, all I want to say is “Why is it that every time you open your mouth you insult my intelligence with yet another lie?”

Mary replies: Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which a person causes someone to question their own sanity, their memories, or their perception of reality. So you must feel really strongly about those in management to accuse them of gaslighting. I sense an awful lot of anger in your email and I wonder if at some stage in your life you have already experienced such anger and this situation is acting as a trigger for you. If this is so, it would be worthwhile investigating this with a therapist.

Honesty is obviously extremely important to you. Perhaps you grew up in an environment that valued the truth or maybe you are an intrinsically honest person. Whatever it was, it is to be applauded, and I can understand why the constant lying and having to deal with people being very economical with the truth is getting to you.

Most people have, at some stage in their lives, been unhappy at work. Generally, it is early on in their career when they don’t have much experience, money, or in some cases, not much self-confidence. But we spend roughly one third of our days at work, and so it is really important for your own peace of mind that you are happy, otherwise life becomes a total drudge.

Considering all that you say, I think that you would be far happier if you were in another job. The fact that you are financially secure is huge, but obviously you shouldn’t leave until you have another job to go to. Then when you know you are going, ask for a meeting with the CEO, or whoever you feel should know and would be sympathetic, and tell them exactly why you are leaving. Naturally you will have to have definite proof of your accusations, but you will feel very vindicated if you do this.

As for what to say when someone has obviously lied to you? If you have already handed in your notice, and have got a reference, then you can say whatever you want. But make it short and snappy. Something like “That’s a lie” will make your point very well. 

You can contact Mary O’Conor anonymously by filling out the form below or email her at dearmary@independent.ie. All correspondence will be treated in confidence. Mary O’Conor regrets that she is unable to answer any questions privately.

Source: Irish Independent