Domestic violence against men has risen massively, so know the signs and where to get help

This is a snippet of a conversation I overheard recently between two men in work clothes talking at a white van at the side of the road as I passed by: “Like, enough is enough,” said one. “Yeah, look-it, if she keeps bating on you, you can’t put up with that, man.” They then entered a chipper and I heard no more.

But I was jolted by overhearing them and it stayed with me. Because, I’ve heard all the ads about domestic violence affecting men too. And I’d some (few) male patients disclose it to me over the years, but this brief exchange brought it home. These two men were ordinary. In their thirties. The one who said he’d had enough of being beaten was about six-foot tall. They looked like tradesmen. They didn’t seem like blokes who’d get pushed around. But there’s no such thing as a typical victim. She was bating on him — beating him — and he couldn’t take any more.

No matter how often we hear that men can be victims too, and I think in general we do believe it, it’s sort of hard to imagine them in that position. I very much doubt that the woman in question was physically taller than this man — he was pretty big. But she was still hitting him. Possibly because she knew he wasn’t going to hit her back. Possibly she didn’t care either way. She was attempting to control him with violence. To dominate him, and that’s what domestic abuse is about. The need to control and dominate because of the abuser’s own poor ability to control themselves and self-regulate.

And that’s not an excuse — there is no excuse for hitting another person. But that’s what it is. Poor anger management and poor self-regulation. Men’s Aid Ireland say there were almost 10,000 contacts with their service in 2022 and this was a 73pc increase on what they’d dealt with in 2020. But it’s thought that this is the tip of a much larger iceberg. Domestic violence in general was a great unspoken until relatively recently. The shame associated with it keeps victims quiet. Domestic violence against men seems to carry an even greater shame for victims — so it tends to be even more of a taboo to discuss.

Because it isn’t just about being abused. It isn’t just about being intimidated — abusers tend to wield some element of control over their victim — fear of provoking them is a great silencer. It’s also the humiliation of being emasculated. Society views men generally as having certain characteristics related to strength. To admit you are being physically abused is hard for men anyway. To admit you are being physically abused by a woman who is smaller than you, is doubly so.

And why do men put up with it? The same reasons that women do. They love their abuser. They believe them when they say sorry and that they’ll change. They lose their own sense of self-worth from being ground down by the abuse. And then of course there is fear of change. Fear of it getting worse. And a big one for men — fear of not being believed. Because for a long time we didn’t understand this dynamic was even possible — so men weren’t believed and had no one and nowhere to turn to.

That has thankfully changed. The one good thing in the conversation I overheard was that it was taking place. He was telling his friend and his friend was taking it seriously. If you are in that same position, Men’s Aid is there to help on 01 554 3811. #IBelieveHim. 

A second opinion

What is wrong with people? A mother in China has live-streamed her nine-year-old son doing his homework so that random strangers can tell her if he’s slacking off, saying: “It’s surprising he finished his studies two to three times faster under the gaze of up to 900 people at a time.” No s**t, really?

This is an appalling way to parent. Firstly, it’s not remotely surprising that a kid of that age is vulnerable to such social approbation. Even grown adults would be — so to put that kind of pressure on a child is truly wrong. It also sends a very peculiar message to him about the role of his mother in his life. It says her authority alone isn’t enough to compel him to do something — it needs the back-up of hundreds of random strangers.

And then there’s that. Most of us tell our kids that the views of random strangers on the internet aren’t actually important and they shouldn’t be swayed or bothered by such things. This mother is saying the polar opposite. Placing such a value on the views of strangers is deeply undermining to the child’s self-worth and her relationship with him. Simply awful.